I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
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My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.