I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
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“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Pot warmers of the day.
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Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind