I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.
I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.
Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.
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if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
saving face 👀
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil