Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

“If all your friends jumped”

‘Yes’

“But if they”

‘Yes’

“But”

‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

Guys, I found it.

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

Saying “Hmmmmmmmm” when my boss walks in so he knows I’m thinking about stuff

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.