I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.
I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.
Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.
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ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.