I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
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my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
edward fingerhands
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT