I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
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Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.