Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?