I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
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*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
War & Peace
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Who does Amazon think I am?
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)