I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
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Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
#milo
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later