Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

Venn

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.