Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]

Later that night

Fitbit: time for bed

me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip