I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
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I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do