Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters