Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday