Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

me when i smell free food in the break room

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask