Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

First date

Him: tell me about yourself

Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.