I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
