I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
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If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
🤯🤯🤯
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.