I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
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My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad