I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
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Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
The Backseat Boys
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward