Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

what’s the point then??

I’ve been learning to cook.

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.