Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…

it’s a running joke…

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship