Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

My dog ate my work from home.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.