i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
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HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
How I like cutting carbs
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”