Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.