Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

Meeeee too!

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him