I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
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I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.