Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery