Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.