I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
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Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!