I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
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APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better