I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
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there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
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If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
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It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.