I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
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My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.