I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
this came to me in a vision
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
