Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!