Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

no way 😭

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.