Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.