“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
The future is now.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.