“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
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When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I have no passwords left in me
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I see your IQ test came back negative
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.