Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.