“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
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Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal