Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend