Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.

The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:

The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.

Me: OK

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.