I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
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Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
i want enemies
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.