Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

everyone’s a critic

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]