Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

🤣

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

i wish i could marry a nap

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

notice

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”