Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.