I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
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If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?