I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
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My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
being a writer on Twitter:
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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