I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
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Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”