Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

Here to help

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?

Me: No.

H: Who did then?

Me: Ninjas.

H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.

Me: They’re very good ninjas.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok