Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.