Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Look, a pure bread cat!

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

good work, everybody

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.