I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
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*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”