I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
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Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag