I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
You Might Also Like
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Ape together strong
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.