I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
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papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Trumpy Cat
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Lmbo
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.