Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me