I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
You Might Also Like
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.