I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
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You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*