Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

🍞🦆

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

😭😭

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.