I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
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Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
his wife is probably gonna see that
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression