I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
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A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.