In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
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If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..