Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?