I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
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Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things