I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
You Might Also Like
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno