I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
You Might Also Like
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!