I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
You Might Also Like
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby