Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this