Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
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Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced.
-me, driving in England
It was just White Floyd until that one red sock got mixed in.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Sometimes you can spend so much time staring at your phone you forget about the beauty all around you, so be sure to Google that.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.