“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
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Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
sleeping beauty
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
what the
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago