@QwertyJones3

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

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@causticbob

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

@chuuew

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

@Vodkantots

The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced.

-me, driving in England

@maisondecris

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes you can spend so much time staring at your phone you forget about the beauty all around you, so be sure to Google that.

@pixelatedboat

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

@Crutnacker

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

@causticbob

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.