i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
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how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad