i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
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I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
✌️
