Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story