i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
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Xylophonist Shredding It
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first