i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
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I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
