Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*